| Blogs / Ramblings
1/29/2009 - Trapped In An Elevator
1/27/2009 - The Close Call
1/14/2009 - Tom McCoy
12/23/2008 - Political Science
12/09/2008 - Grinch
10/08/2008 - 30th Birthday
7/25/2008 - Installing Blinds
6/03/2008 - The Great Wall
5/30/2008 - Rudeness
5/22/2008 - Sick Days At Work
4/09/2008 - Home Warrantee
3/31/2008 - Animal Crackers
3/17/2008 - Green Beverage Day
3/05/2008 - I Should Write A Novel
2/26/2008 - The Evil Oak
2/18/2008 - A Tribute To My iPod
2/11/2008 - Criminology Textbooks
2/04/2008 - The Surgery
1/31/2008 - WDW Marathon Part V
1/25/2008 - WDW Marathon Part IV
1/19/2008 - WDW Marathon Part III
1/17/2008 - WDW Marathon Part II
1/16/2008 - WDW Marathon Part I
1/12/2008 - Marathon Details
1/09/2008 - Running From My Run
1/04/2008 - The Holidays
1/01/2008 - First Blog
The Evil Oak
It's not autumn. So why are the leaves falling? . . . A tree is keeping me locked inside the house...
For at least two weeks, it has been shedding on my front yard. Since I live
in a state with barely discernable seasons, I knew immediately that something
must be terribly wrong.
Contrary to popular belief, trees don't lose leaves like a snake sheds its
skin. Apparently, it's a long process that involves raining a thick layer
of dried brown leaves until every last square inch of the property, vehicles,
and neighborhood cats are completely covered. These leaves are neither nutritious
nor tasty, and their entertainment value is rather low. They are merely a
warning of evil things to come.
Before I figured this out, I believed that the giant oak had mange. I hit
the store and purchased several dozen bottles of antibiotics. Looking the
tree over for some time, I finally decided that its mouth was closed and
therefore hidden. Placing the bottles by the roots, I hoped it would know
enough to take the necessary dosage on time. It did not.
I spent the afternoon on Sunday explaining to the tree that, if it didn't
take the medicine as prescribed, it was helping create antibiotic-resistant
superbugs. I asked how it felt about that, but the oak just stood there without
saying a word. It was around this time that the neighbor informed me that
he heard my "insane yelling," and that trees can't get mange.
I looked at his yard and discovered that he had a tree that was inexplicably
doing the same thing. Not only that, but the poor man was in the middle of
raking up after his tree. It was worse than I thought... if the trees hadn't
developed a disease, this was clearly part of some mind control plot.
I ran to him and immediately told him my theory. He shouted something about
not kicking his toddler as I ran through his yard, and threw his rake at
me.
I attempted to explain the dangers of his tree, but by that time he was
threatening to call the police. Sighing, I walked back to my front yard.
The moment I stepped on the driveway, however, a leaf landed inches from
my shoe. I jumped back immediately, knowing that it was meant for me. Looking
up, I could see a dozen or so of the tiny missiles heading my way. I was
quick enough to dodge them as I ran to my front door. Darting into the house,
I slammed the door behind me.
Clearly, the tree knew that I was aware of its plan.
An onslaught of leaves bounced off my front window. I was frightened at first,
but no matter how hard the tree tried, it was unable to penetrate my fortress.
Wave after wave of leaves hit the house, but my months of planning had paid
off-- I had the foresight to purchase a house with leaf-proof windows (the
realtors insisted it would cost a few thousand more, paid directly to them,
but it was well worth the investment).
So here I stay, awaiting next winter... It's February now, how long could
that be? If you are ever in the neighborhood, be advised that it would be
a good idea to stay far away from my house. As long as I am locked in here,
I will be unable to protect you.
Jeff's moral for the day: If someone asks you to rake the front yard,
tell them that you think the tree is out to get you. They may not agree,
but they'll respect you for your unique opinion.
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