| Blogs / Ramblings
1/29/2009 - Trapped In An Elevator
1/27/2009 - The Close Call
1/14/2009 - Tom McCoy
12/23/2008 - Political Science
12/09/2008 - Grinch
10/08/2008 - 30th Birthday
7/25/2008 - Installing Blinds
6/03/2008 - The Great Wall
5/30/2008 - Rudeness
5/22/2008 - Sick Days At Work
4/09/2008 - Home Warrantee
3/31/2008 - Animal Crackers
3/17/2008 - Green Beverage Day
3/05/2008 - I Should Write A Novel
2/26/2008 - The Evil Oak
2/18/2008 - A Tribute To My iPod
2/11/2008 - Criminology Textbooks
2/04/2008 - The Surgery
1/31/2008 - WDW Marathon Part V
1/25/2008 - WDW Marathon Part IV
1/19/2008 - WDW Marathon Part III
1/17/2008 - WDW Marathon Part II
1/16/2008 - WDW Marathon Part I
1/12/2008 - Marathon Details
1/09/2008 - Running From My Run
1/04/2008 - The Holidays
1/01/2008 - First Blog
The Surgery
An important message about the evils of modern medicine. . . . I originally intended today's blog to be about the pain I've had in my side for the last few months. My idea was to amuse you with hilarious anecdotes
regarding discomfort, distress, and delightfully disgusting details-- but
this past week changed all that. Instead, I would like to talk about a much
more serious topic: Evil pharmaceutical companies versus the natural wonders
of herbal remedies.
A few months back, I started having pains in my side. Since this occurred
in the office, I had plenty of co-workers I could ask for advice. I went
from person to person, hoping for some assistance. It didn't take long before
I had an answer.
"Jeff, what you need to do is stop whining."
This wasn't necessarily the type of counsel I was looking for, but I took
the advice anyway.
A few weeks later, however, I found the pain to be more intense. Last Friday,
in fact, it bothered me to the point that I mentioned going to a doctor.
"Oh, Jeff, you don't want to go to a doctor. All they do is give you expensive
drugs. Why don't you try Alternative Medicine?" My good friend told me.
This term seemed alien to me. I had not heard of this fabulous "Alternative"
Medicine before. I imagine that it would have to be as comparable to modern
medicine as Alternative Music was to Classical.
It then struck me that I had heard of this before, but simply under
a different name. "You mean good ol' fashioned Snake Oil?" I asked.
She looked genuinely upset. "No no! I'm talking about Natural Supplements!
Don't be stupid. I took Ginko with Mercury, and it cured my epilepsy, eczema,
brain tumor, and brain tumor. Not only that, but it cured my brain tumor!"
With anecdotal results like this, who could resist? In the interest of certainty,
however, I wanted to know a little more. "Are those statements validated
by the FDA? I mean, how do I know these claims aren't just made up?"
"Do you want the Government to tell you what to do? The Ancient Chinese made
these statements. They've been using natural cures for something like 30,000
years. Natural Jeff? NATURAL. Prescriptions have side effects. Nothing
that comes from nature can harm you."
"But, before modern medicine, didn't people die at a much younger-"
"NATURAL."
That was good enough for me. After all, what has modern science ever done
for me?
I crammed my wallet full of cash and headed to the drug store for various
natural supplements. The moment I walked in, I proceeded to the "vitamin,
diaper, and supplements" isle.
I must say, I was marveled by their selection. Ginger and Garlic pills ($14.95
for 24 tablets), Goldenseal Glucosamine ($17.95 a bottle), and Echinacea
Ginseng Fruitopia pills ($29.95). It was good to see my money going somewhere
besides the pharmaceutical companies, or "Big Pharma" as I like to call it
(although I must say that it was curious to see major drug manufacturer names
listed on the bottles? I suppose they simply manufactured the plastic
containers, while ancient Chinese herbalists packed them full of the magic
remedies).
As I loaded my shopping basket, a couple suckers passed me on the way to
the Pharmacist. These mindless dupes had eaten up whatever ruse their doctors
had fed them. It was sad in a way. The so-called health experts didn't want
to cure them, they simply wanted their customers addicted to the expensive
little pills.
So anyway, I bought $70 worth of pills and walked outside, completely satisfied
with my purchase. The drug store doors closed behind me and I started for
my car with a smile.
As soon as I stepped off the sidewalk, however, three thugs in green scrubs
and stethoscopes grabbed me and hurled me into an ambulance. Tires screeched
and the doors shut behind me.
I was terrified. It all transpired so suddenly. It took several seconds before
I could even realize what had happened. I tried crying for help.
"Go ahead and scream. No one can hear you."
They shoved me onto a gurney and handcuffed me to the sides. I tried fighting
them off, but the three brutes had the upper hand.
I continued my shouting for several minutes. Finally, I realized the effort
was futile. I stopped my screaming, and stared in the faces of my captors.
As I did so, one of them slipped on a white coat. He was the oldest of the
three thugs, with gray hair and spectacles. It amazed me that he had the
strength to hold me down.
"That's better." He said. "Your throat must be raw from all that yelling.
Here. Have a throat lozenge." The man shoved a candy coated pill into my
mouth.
I spit the bitter cough drop in his face. "Who- Who are you?"
He smiled. "Let's just say we represent a party who is very interested in
your future health..."
This sent a chill down my spine. I tried saying the first thing that came
to my mind. "You've got the wrong guy!"
"Oh no, Mr. Lofvers. We have exactly the right guy? it's all here in
your chart." He held up a small manila folder with colored stickers on the
edge. "It says here that you have been experiencing pain in your abdomen."
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Don't insult us, Jeffrey? Is it Jeffrey or Jeff? Which do you prefer?"
I hate being called Jeffrey, but I didn't answer.
"Well, I suppose it doesn't matter, Jeffrey. What does matter is that you
came to us for help."
"I didn't come to you. You kidnapped me! Let me go, I want to go!!!"
He addressed the rest of the ambulance. "It looks like someone is going to
need to be sedated." He waved one of his henchmen over. "Get an I.V. going.
This will teach him to try alternative medicine."
I tried to fight them off, but the men were too quick with the needle. Before
I knew what was happening, the world faded around me?
__________________________________________________
I sat straight up in my bed, covered in sweat.
My heart raced as I looked around cautiously. No doctors, no nurses, no I.V.
Had it all been a horrible dream?
My breathing gradually slowed, and I made my way to the bathroom. I splashed
water on my face and laughed at the stupidity of the whole situation. I can't
remember the last time I had been that worked up over such a foolish nightmare.
Just then, I noticed my shirt sticking to my stomach a bit on my right side.
It seemed to have caught on something. I cautiously lifted it up, and to
my horror discovered a bandage. This really freaked me out. A lot.
After screaming like a little girl, I gathered the courage to remove the
bandage. I peeled the tape off slowly, as the area was rather tender. Underneath
the bandage, I discovered a fresh scar. I looked away and screamed (again,
like a little girl).
There, stitched into my abdomen, were the words:
DON'T MESS WITH BIG PHARMA
Yes, this really happened.
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