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Why hello! Welcome to Lofvers.com, the only official webpage of Jeff Lofvers. If you're reading this, it means that you are one of the lucky three people to discover my website. Take a peek around, but be careful when looking at my pictures... it's nearly impossible to look away. Enjoy! . . . Latest Blog: Trapped In An Elevator
1/29/2009 at 7:49 pm Never go out to lunch with Brenda.
This morning, I attended a training class with my friend Kevin. Since the
class was being held at the Internal Operations Center, we were shocked when
we ran into Brenda, a former co-worker, in front of the building.
"Oh sure guys, don't say hi to me."
We smiled as if we had some intention of doing so. She rambled on about how
good it was to see us and how much she misses our conversations. We looked
at our watches and assured her we didn't have the time to chat.
We ran back to class fifteen minutes early and avoided any further discussion.
Although I regret it now, I let Kevin talk me into going upstairs after class
in order to say "hi" to Brenda. We weren't even all the way in the door when
she immediately asked us out to lunch. After much nagging and prodding, we
finally agreed that allowing her to eat with us was a heck of a lot easier
than listening to her whine to our voicemail every day for the next six weeks.
So Brenda, Kevin, and myself strolled out of her office, walked to the elevator,
and stepped inside. Brenda pushed the button for the lobby, as Kevin and
I thought nothing of it. It's a simple task. How hard could it be? We didn't
think she needed supervision. After 10 seconds or so, the doors opened and
I tried to walk outside.
"That's odd, why are we still on the third floor?" Brenda asked.
I gave her a confused look as I stepped back into the elevator.
A new girl stepped into the elevator with us. Brenda hit the button for the
lobby again, and we thought nothing of the doors as they closed. After all,
a poorly trained monkey could do it. A few comments were thrown Brenda's
way. "Nice button pushing" and "gee, you sure suck at pushing buttons" were
among my favorites. For some reason, new girl refused to get in on the fun.
We continued our biting insults for another 40 seconds or so.
It was then that we began to notice a high-pitched ringing.
The ringing was coming from above us. Looking above the door, we could see
that our elevator was stopped on the third floor. We tried pushing the door-open
button-- no luck. At one moment, we all realized the same thing-- Brenda
broke the elevator.
We picked up the call box, waiting for a few moments as it dialed to outside
line.
"Security."
Brenda spoke. "Uh... we seem to be stuck in the elevator."
"What's your location?"
"Somewhere between the second and third floor."
"Oh man. That sucks. How badly do you want out?"
After a lengthy discussion with the security officer (in which Brenda forced
us to promise bribes), he assured us that someone would be on their way.
We looked at each other and asked the typical questions: "Which corner is
the restroom?", "Does anyone have straws that we can draw to see who will
be eaten?", and "Is it okay if I just used the wrong corner as the restroom?"
It was hot, cramped, and oddly scented. None of us wanted to be there with
Brenda. If you saw her button-pushing technique, you would understand.
After several more minutes, I decided it would be the appropriate time to
make a joke about being claustrophobic. It was at the exact moment I opened
my mouth that new girl mentioned that she was terrified of tight spaces.
The rest of us laughed and exchanged worried glances.
This comment distracted us from our anger at Brenda. But it wouldn't last.
We needed something more...
We started to call people on the phone. Brenda called her coworkers to see
if they would push the button on the outside. We couldn't tell at the time,
but I have a feeling they never did. If it was me, I wouldn't do it.
A few more minutes went by, and new girl was doing surprisingly well. Sure,
she was calling her friends and family to say final goodbyes, but I think
that's a normal reaction after staring Brenda-the-elevator-breaker in the
face.
I called work. "Julie? I'm going to be late. Brenda broke the elevator."
Julie was not surprised, but since neither Kevin nor Brenda were reliable
witnesses, she asked for some photos as proof. It was going to be a long
afternoon, if I survived...
It was at that moment that we assumed the elevator started sliding slowly
downwards. That's what a creaking sound means, right?
I'm not quite sure if the brakes started to fail, or if the elevator actually
started working. In any case, we were worried. It was hard to tell, but we
thought we had moved.
For the next two minutes, more creaks could be heard. The high-pitched alarm
faded in intensity. I was just blaming Brenda for getting us all killed when
the doors opened to the second floor.
A large audience of onlookers was there to both greet and mock us... okay,
maybe one person. But she did ask if we could hear her knocking (we couldn't).
Since the doors were closed, I can only assume she didn't know it was Brenda
trapped in the elevator. If so, she certainly would have tried maniacal laughing
instead of knocking.
On our way down the stairs to the first floor, we were greeted
as celebrities. "Were you the suckers caught in the elevator?" and "be sure
to give your names to the security desk" were some of the awe-inspired comments
that we heard.
The four of us walked out the front door just as a maintenance person came
rushing in. I assume he was there for us. He was carrying a plunger, after
all.
We reported Brenda to security in the hopes that they would cart her away.
Sadly, they did not. New girl, clearly flustered, was on her cell phone and
out the door. The incident probably traumatized her for life, but that's
what Brenda does.
We went to lunch and ate in silence. Kevin and I were simply too angry to
speak.
In all, the ordeal lasted only about fifteen minutes. Still, it feels like
an eternity when Brenda is there with you. I don't think I'll ever be the
same.
It's worth noting that, on the walk back to the office, we got caught in
the rain. Just one more thing that never would have happened if Brenda wasn't
there.
Man, I hate her.
Jeff's moral for the day: Avoid the back right corner of elevators...
trust me. |